Jul 25, 2024
I have thought a lot recently about blame in the context of
grief. When a child dies, it is natural for feelings of blame to
emerge. Whether we blame ourselves, blame our child, blame another
person, or even put the blame on God, there is a lot of it to go
around. Additionally, others can be very vocal about where they
feel the blame should be placed when our child dies. This is often
done through social media when people do not think at all about the
feelings of others before throwing out hurtful comments.
Initially, after our accident, It felt important to place the
blame somewhere. In some ways, the blame was actually useful to me.
I could put on boxing gloves and hit a punching bag imagining I was
damaging the car that hit us. It was a release for my anger and
other scary emotions. In other ways, however, blame was my enemy
from the beginning. I blamed myself for all of us being in the car
at that moment. I imagined scenario after scenario where I had done
one thing differently that would have saved Andy. Eventually,
however, I came to realize that no matter whether I blamed another
person or myself, blame had become a poison. While drinking that
poison every day, I was not able to begin healing.
For me, the cure to the poison of blame was forgiveness.
Forgiveness allowed true healing to begin and helped me feel more
like myself. I was able to let go of the bitterness and anger that
accompanied the blame. I have heard from others and remember
thinking to myself that if I reached a point of forgiveness, that
would mean that I was somehow OK with Andy dying. Let me be
perfectly clear. I am NOT OK with Andy's death. I will miss Andy
every day for the rest of my life. When I think about his life
getting cut short I feel tremendous sadness and even some anger,
but I no longer let the need for blame consume my life. That is the
difference between who I was five years ago and who I am today. I
hope that in their own time and way, every bereaved parent will be
able to let go of the poison of blame.